Zero Punctuation sets its sights on Mass Effect
by Richard Mitchell 
{ Dec 20th 2007 at 4:45PM }
It's frequently fitting that we begin Zero Punctuation related stories with a disclaimer, so here we go. If you a) love Mass Effect or b) have no sense of humor, you'd best turn around right now. This week, as you may have guessed, Yahtzee takes on BioWare's latest opus, Mass Effect. To put it succinctly, Mass Effect joins the likes of Guitar Hero III and Jericho. In other words, he's not a fan. His major beefs are the game's heavy amount of text and some less than great combat. You can find the video embedded after the break. It is, as usual, not safe for work.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 4:55PM
cant wait to get home to check this out. I like his reviews. I am sitting on the fence when it comes to this game. I got it a couple of weeks early when K mart slipped up and put it on the shelves and have yet to complete it. I think Im towards the end. the thing is, I cant tell if I like it or if I HATE it. There are lots of things I hate about the game and a few things I like. I seem to get pissed off every time I try to play.
on a side note, I just saw a christmas themed map for CRASH on cod4 for the PC and I am soooo jealous! us 360 fanboys need this map!!
http://www.destructoid.com/call-of-duty-4-christmas-warfare-60604.phtml&?no_cache=1&comment_saved=1#comment-426701
xenocidic @ Dec 20th 2007 4:58PM
i hope he rips on the slow-ass elevators...
they have faster than light cross-galaxy travel but the elevators are slower than the ones in my apartment building.
Eddie @ Dec 20th 2007 5:01PM
They're faster than a loading screen.
David W. @ Dec 20th 2007 8:51PM
Yea...those are there as a "seamless" way to load...in other words, the creators didn't want a loading screen since it would completely kill the feel of the game, so they used the elevators instead.
BigJerm @ Dec 20th 2007 5:03PM
I watched this at work just now and the non-stop laugh fest it provoked in me got quite a few people doing the ol' gopher peeks over the cubicles. I like all of Yahtzee's reviews...keep 'em coming.
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 5:06PM
"They're faster than a loading screen."
yes, good thing bioware took that into consideration and gives you a million loading screens in addition to the hellish elevator rides.
I swear im either in an elevator or a loading screen more often then Im actually playing that game.
also, has anyone noticed how the "spaceship" that you are stuck looking at during the loading screen looks oddly similiar to the plasma rifle in halo3??
coincidence? I think not!!
Loban @ Dec 20th 2007 5:10PM
That's not a spaceship, it's a mass relay. Yes, i'm a nerd.
Ryan @ Dec 20th 2007 5:51PM
Um...that's not a spaceship.
cranium @ Dec 21st 2007 10:17AM
yes, it is a mass relay. no you are not a nerd, you're just nto an idiot.
and if anything, from that angle, it looks much more like an energy sword.
Loban @ Dec 20th 2007 5:09PM
For those considering buying the game, there really isn't THAT much text in the game. If you're a fast reader you won't even notice it. And yes, there is plenty of good action. And no, the AI is not THAT dumb. In fact, I didn't notice the AI being dumb at all.
When you finish the game, none of the issues Yahtzee mentions will ever cross your mind. You'll just remember that the game was really good from start to finish. Unless you're a reviewer taking notes while playing or purposely concentrating on the negative aspects, you'll never notice them.
Homer 918 @ Dec 20th 2007 5:20PM
Why are you reading text anyway? Everything is fully voice-overed.
Anthology @ Dec 22nd 2007 3:16PM
This dude talks too fast.
eugene @ Dec 20th 2007 5:19PM
I swear, the elevators on the normandy take 15 whole seconds. WTF people, are you all that jacked up on caffeine now that you can't just sit there and not twitch your thumbs on something for 15 whole seconds?
What I find sad, is that there are plenty of legitimate gripes about the game but everyone craps on about the same stupid things. OMG, a lot of dialogue in an RPG??? Who would have imagined such a thing?
Etchasketchist @ Dec 20th 2007 6:51PM
Let's talk about legitmate gripes then:
I'll start. Man is Mass Effect derivative. The final battle was generic, easy and dramatically limp. The plot generously rips from Halo which itself wasn't that original to begin with.
Loved the game, btw. Best Flawed Masterpiece of the Year. If they just keep it up and polish what they've got, Mass Effect 2 & 3 should be incredible.
eugene @ Dec 20th 2007 10:20PM
Oh, I totally agree, the battles are completely unbalanced. By the end of the game, your characters are so powerful that every encounter is a breeze.
And why can't you access the journal from the galaxy map?
And for a game with so many races, how come are the architecture looks the same? there's precious little variety when it comes to environments.
Why are there so many detailed codex entries that have nothing to do with the game play?
I also love the game, and I agree that there are flaws but please, let's talk about the flaws that actually affect gameplay experience and stop griping about the asinine.
Tricause @ Feb 6th 2008 9:50PM
Little late but here are my hates:
All the planets have no flora and look exactly the same exact for different colors of the terrain.
There are so many bugs with dying. On Ferros, when you go across the bridge, I went to a corner on the opposite side of the bridge and died. Same thing happened when I tried again. Same thing happened on the planet Liara is on, I went next to pipes and died out of no where.
Additionally the vehicle is the worst thing to control, until you get use to it. Turning around took me about two playthroughs to master.
Also, I noticed a get stuck bug. On the mine with Liara, near one of the first elevators at the railings, you can get stuck in the railing. That happened to me 5 out of 6 playthroughs, since I always walk to the side that takes less time. Additionally I got stuck inside the Normandy below the galaxy map. The only way I got out was by talking to Presley.
As well, the achievements were just annoying, especially the ally achievements. Made me play the game more than twice to get them.
Another thing is also the game is so repetitive. The side quests (required for achievements) are always the near same thing. The design layout for buildings on uncharted planets come in only three forms.
The autosave is a piece of shit. It should save after every loading screen. I died a lot on insane on the side quests and had to do the same planet again, which took about 30 min per planet. I died many times, despite I saved frequent.
I did like the game...the first two playthroughs, but it got way to repetitive and I realized all these faults.
David @ Dec 20th 2007 5:35PM
Yahtzee hates all games.... take all his reviews with a grain of salt.
Mal F4cti0n @ Dec 21st 2007 4:44PM
Big Filth,
What I think David meant was that Yahtzee will find the flaws in a game (and every game has flaws) and make fun of them. That is what he does. That's what he sells, sarcastic mockery of that which is flawed.
But yes, you are correct. There a couple games out there that actually make Yahtzee grudgingly admit that he was hard pressed to find things to hate, like the Orange Box and Bioshock (which he actually admitted to likin in his Halo 3 review).
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 5:52PM
"Yahtzee hates all games.... take all his reviews with a grain of salt."
^^^
why does it have to be that yahtzee hates all games cause he doesnt like mass effect?? he didnt hate the orange box or AC. maybe its just that ME isnt as good as people say it is.
seriously, its not the 15 seconds in the elevator that sucks, its the the fact that youre in another elevator EVERY 15 seconds that sucks.
besides the "people" in the game, the graphics are the most bland boring graphics ive seen since the spider man friend or foe demo.
every room looks the same, there is practically no detail outside of the normandy.
its funny, cause I think the combat is one of the best parts of the game, it just sucks that its the only part of the game other than the dialouge thats worth shit.
if you like to play a game that you dont actually play very much then youd like this one, 80% of the time youre either, loading, walking through a bullshit hallway or listening to dialouge. then theres combat and exploration. the exploration is as boring as can be, every planet you land on is almost exactly the same.
my point, dont be suprised when someone doesnt like this game, theyre not crazy cause they dont think its as great as you do.
FUCK MASS EFFECT!
I kid I kid!
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 5:54PM
oh yeah, and ok, its a mass relay not a spaceship.
it still looks exactly like the plasma rifle in halo 3.
do a side by side picture and tell me im wrong.
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 6:01PM
ok, the plasma rifle is the wrong gun. my mistake, I will find the right one, you guys know what Im talking about though
JakubK666 @ Dec 20th 2007 6:13PM
You mean the Covenant Carbine? It's pretty obvious...
Boff @ Dec 21st 2007 5:36AM
Ha ha! So that Spaceship that looked like a Plasma Rifle is actually 'That Mass Relay that looks like a Carbine'.
Close enough I suppose!
And personally I think Mass Effect is an awesome game, despite a few annoyances. Constantly having to quit the Galaxy Map to check the Journal being one of them. That's 2 loading screens every time I want to double-check something!
Jon @ Dec 20th 2007 6:18PM
Am I the only person that wonders why theres only one damn city in all of space... And why does that city have NO LIVING QUARTERS... Where do people sleep? Wtf. KOTOR was better. Game was way too short. I have to play it over again because I waited to play half the side-quests on my way to the last planet, didn't realize I'd have to go back to finish the quests....disappointed with this one.
Puddin @ Dec 20th 2007 6:22PM
i'm beginning to think yahtzee is bringing up negative points that don't actually exist for the sake of his reviews
for example, who the fuck has ever mistaken their squad for an enemy is mass effect?
I did it all the time in gears of war but never even came close in mass effect
too much text? this is YAHTZEE saying that something has too much text. think about that one
(and for that matter you really aren't missing shit if you don't read your codex updates or pop ups when you hack a laptop, again an example of him making shit up)
many of his reviews do this
HURR DURR GUITAR HERO 3 ON EXPERT IS TOO HARD YOU ARE A FREAK IF YOU CAN DO THIS THING THAT I CAN NOT DO I SHALL IGNORE THE FACT THAT IF THE DIFFICULTY WAS NOT RAISED GH2 OWNERS WOULD BE DONE WITH IT IN 6 HOURS
OH MY GOD VITACHAMBERS RUINED BIOSHOCK, I WILL COMPLETELY IGNORE THAT NOTHING IS STOPPING ME FROM RELOADING MY SAVE WHEN I DIE AND PRETENDING THEY AREN'T THERE
but he can get away with it
know why?
because 95% of you ass hats will jizz all over his every word because he sais it in a fast british accent and has simple flash animations
he could be saying the complete opposite to the truth (which he does sometimes) and he gets away with it because of his delivery style
Etchasketchist @ Dec 20th 2007 6:57PM
Be cool baby-bubba.
It's called schtick. It's not that big a deal.
Larry *not allowed to say cheevo* @ Dec 20th 2007 6:27PM
Haha! Mass Erect! Play on words FTW!
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 6:31PM
puddin. perfect example of saying yaahtzee is nuts cause he doesnt like mass effect as much as you.
he said that if you like rpgs, youll like this game.
and yes, if wrex is on your team and youre fighting a bunch of Krogans, they do look exactly the same. I have shot poor innocent wrex with my shotgun many times thinking he was an enemy! haha..
@jakubk666
yes, I did mean the crabine from h3.
does it not look like whatever the hell that is in the loading screen in ME??
--------------
Mass Effect, one part Star Wars, one Part Halo
2 parts crap!!
haha, jk. dont get your panties in an uproar mass effect fanboys.
Mass Effect has about as much background detail as Fantastic 4 rise of the silver surfer.
Lex @ Dec 20th 2007 6:55PM
Could this fucking poof take a little less speed maybe? I can barely understand you dipshit.
Big Filth @ Dec 20th 2007 7:09PM
@haukke
if you think Mass Effect isnt screwed up then Id be willing to say YOURE the one who doesnt know about games.
james @ Dec 20th 2007 7:48PM
I loved Mass Effect, yet found this incredibly funny, as usual. Actually, several of the things that I didn't like about Mass Effect he hit the nail on the head with humorous candor. But, I still really liked playing it, twice.
Brodak @ Dec 20th 2007 7:51PM
I love it when my squad mates decide to ignore my order to find cover and come up behind me when I am sniping from a distance then start shooting, somehow thinking their shot will go through me and the hill I am hiding behind and strike the enemy. Yep, that was one run-on sentence. Driving the Mako is a little crazy at first. So, yeah, it is not a perfect game, but I'm liking it. (And my opinion is worth what?)
Heh, Ctl+Alt+Del being too wordy. Maybe we will be gettin some comics out of this.
David W. @ Dec 20th 2007 8:53PM
I wish they'd made the mako handle like the vehicles on halo 3...no matter how much I drive the mako I still mess it up in the heat of battle, haha
L4MB @ Dec 20th 2007 9:05PM
I tend to agree with the whole driving sequences. easily the worst part of the game, But the voice acting was superb and i really liked the way dialog was exchanged. i don't think i read any text, but he does have a point about the endless amounts of information that gets stored in your journal...
Foo @ Dec 21st 2007 2:20AM
LOL. "Mass Erect."
ccc @ Dec 21st 2007 3:57AM
Usually he is spot on with his reviews but yeah this time I feel like he was making stuff up just to say in his review, still I dont see how he feels he can put out a review for a game when he skipped all the side quest in the game. Those actually make up for about 65 percent of the game. So its kinda tough to take what he says about mass effect seriously. Mas effect has problems yeah but its still better than almost everygame that came out this year. with only COD4 and bio shock really, honestly out doing it.
Prophestus @ Dec 21st 2007 4:04AM
I don't like RPG's at all and I loved Mass Effect. Driving the Mako blows a hairy one, but the voice acting and writing is some of the best in video games ever, hands down. Anyone complaining about reading is retarded, because its all voiced-over and subtitles are off by default. Not the best game I've ever played, but you cannot go wrong with this title.
Merwanor @ Dec 21st 2007 7:11AM
Mass Effect is my nr 1 Xbox game. Only annoying elevator in the game is the one inside the Normandy. From elevators you usualy can get som info on a few missions or just some funny news. Like a report of a theater that is setting up Hamlet with only Elcor actors. Or you get some dialog between your team mates. Do not se any problem with it at all.
Maybe not realistic but it beats loading screens. And the loading screens that was present did not bother me. And i cant say there is that many. Only when traveling from planet to planet.
And when we come to the design on levels and buildings. Most of the areas are alike because almost all the races have advanced because of the prothean technology. So all the citadel races probably design their structures from that technology. If you watch the behind the scenes dvd you get to know why they chose that sleek and smooth type of design.
But i do not se anything from Halo in this game. Since this game is buildt on Sci Fi from the 80s i say if you find anything in this game that looks like Halo. Its just that Halo also has some design from that time.
And the Maco was hard to controll in the first 5 minutes. And then it got damn easy. Just forget about Halo and learn to drive it.
The Dialog system and the story is the best part in the game (and the story aint even over, 2 more games on the way), the combat is very good if you use skills and not just go behind cover and shoot your little guns. The Enemy AI is good, the team AI i can say was bad at times but nothing that bothered me.
The Graphics in general is amazing, though they still have some problems with the Engine like GoW had. Like shadows from people are cut in half some places. And texture popping, though it is a bit worse in ME than in GoW. I blame Epic for that, not Bioware.
But how people can mistake your team mates from your enemies is beyond me, there is a red triangle at every enemy! :S
Well anyways this was kinda pointless, but i just whanted to say something.
Mike-453 @ Dec 21st 2007 7:28AM
Mass Effect is flawed, and I could write paragraphs of how I personally think it could be improved.
But hey, i've played through it three times, so it still is instant win for me. I'd like to say KotOR is better, but then I think, 'would i rather play kotor or mass effect?' and i'd rather play Mass Effect.
So what if Mass Effect isn't much new in terms of story? It takes many thing from other fictio0n and combines them to create pure awesomeness, do I like the Mass Effect world better then Star Wars? Yes. Do I like it better than Battlestar Galactica? Yes. Do I like it better than Halo? Well that's a different story since both are hugely different themes, but I believe I will end up liking Mass Effect more, simply because Bioware seems like the better story teller.
JJ @ Dec 21st 2007 7:56AM
Oddly enough concerning the story.
To me it wasnt Halo...wasnt star wars... first thing that popped into my head after i beat the game and sat back and looked at it...
The Matrix. Thats basically the impression the storyline left to me. Its a Galactic Matrix more or less it seems.
Dont get me wrong i love the game and the gripes (loading, elevators, getting stuck on objects, bad pop up at times) is minor. But at the same time dont most other games get knocked down a few pegs for those things even if they aren't as major?
Either way the game is great fun and i seriously have logged about 60 or so hours in the game... and i'm only partially through my second play through.
Big Filth @ Dec 21st 2007 9:58AM
this is for all the people who think yahtzee is "crazy" to not LOVE mass effect like they do.
http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/Jim+Sterling/mass-effect-review-director-s-cut-57040.phtml
omg, not everyone loves it?? haha.
some people on this site are weird cause if you disagree with their opinion YOURE wrong.
(yes im talking about taukke)
Chrysee @ Dec 21st 2007 12:20PM
lol callipygian