Since CNBC analyst Jane Wells granted us poor peons a glimpse into "the ultimate proof Sony is winning" two months ago, we at Joystiq have been eagerly awaiting another chance to hear from her son, the twelve-year-old oracle who sealed Microsoft's fate by trading his Xbox 360 for a PS3. And lo, today the all-knowing king of business analysis didst speak once more, granting his youthful wisdom to us poor, unwashed masses.

"Hear me!" came the oracle's booming, high-pitched voice from on high as he surveyed his subjects from his beanbag chair throne. "Though mine PS3 still brings me pleasure, the pleasure of Xbox Live friends may be one that I have treated too lightly. My patience waiting for an offering of new games from Sony has forced me once more to explore the shores of Azeroth. Lo, though times are tough, do not be tempted by the spawn of Nintendo, for I would not be caught dead with that thing."

With that, the doors of knowledge closed with a shattering thud, once again leaving us confused and in the dark. Still, we thank our benevolent information masters for this new glimpse into the heart of the game industry, however brief.

Three tracks from metal band All That Remains will be next week's Rock Band DLC offering. The songs "Two Weeks" and "Chiron" are off the band's latest album, Overcome, which will release Sept. 16. The tracks are offered at a special price for now and will cost double in one month.

All That Remains Pack (240 / $3)

• "This Calling" (80 / $1)
• "Chiron" (80 / $1)
• "Two Weeks" (80 / $1)

Videos for the tracks can be found after the break. The songs will be available for download next Tuesday and Thursday for Xbox 360 and PS3, respectively.

Look guys, the cute little cartoon characters thing? Yeah, that ain't workin' so much these days. Folks are upset, and rightly so. Castle Crashers is broken. We know, we know, you told us a patch was coming. But why isn't it here yet!

... Er, what's that you say? You just had a "great talk" with Microsoft about it? Well, by golly, gosh, that's great news! But, you say. But what? But you don't have a "specific time frame"? Oh, don't worry about it. Those 1200 are just water under the bridge ... Aw, would you look at that: Those knights with their big blocky heads and stumpy wumpy hands -- how precious.

[Via The Escapist]

Don't be surprised if this Sunday's edition of ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown looks a bit more like a game of Madden. According to a New York Times report, the Disney-owned sports network will use the "EA Sports Virtual Playbook" and a special studio and camera setup to allow "both real and virtual people move around the ESPN set to demonstrate plays and possible situations." It sure sounds a lot simpler than getting real NFL players to crash around the set, but we'll reserve judgment until we see it in action this weekend.

Imagine Square Enix's proposed takeover of Tecmo as a high school "romance." In it, Square is the suave campus hunk who professes his burning desire for Tecmo, the hottie who could have any guy (or girl) she wanted. But Tecmo not only shoots down the advance, she decides to "go out" with the scrawny, less attractive Koei instead.

She won't say why or even return Square's calls.

Square turns around and says, "Under such circumstances, the Company is unable to make appropriate modifications to major terms of the Proposal including the TOB price, and determines that it is extremely difficult to continue the discussions with Tecmo based on the Proposal. The Company, therefore, has decided to withdraw from the Proposal."

Blank stares.

"What I'm trying to say is I'm withdrawing my proposal to take you over," Square tells Tecmo, working his idea of emo for all its worth. Tecmo just smiles and says, "Hee! You're funny! Bye-eee!"

The End?

OK, fanboys, before you hit that spittle-flecked "post comment" button after just reading that inflammatory headline question, hear us out. We're not just idly speculating here -- we're basing our query on an unusually frank quote from Microsoft Senior Vice President of Interactive Entertainment Business Don Mattrick. In an interview with BusinessWeek, Mattrick said that he's "not at a point where I can say we're going to beat Nintendo." Coming from a guy whose job it is to promote Microsoft's position in the market, that's a pretty big admission of doubt. It's not just Mattrick that's doubtful-- analyst Billy Pidgeon told the magazine, "I expect the 360 to remain in second place this generation. But it's going to be close."

The question, then, becomes how much this sales position really matters. Microsoft's sales might fall just shy of Nintendo's, but that doesn't seem to be hurting the company's ability to attract big-name games or roll out new features for the system. In fact, with Nintendo's decidedly less powerful system catering to a decidedly different audience, Microsoft's position relative to Nintendo might not matter nearly as much as their position relative to Sony. And on that score Mattrick has no doubt: "We will sell more consoles this generation than Sony," he told BusinessWeek.

Good news, Tecmo employees! No no, please don't get up. That bed under your desk really looks quite comfortable and snuggly. Now, if you'll just minimize that window filled with Ninja Gaiden II: Burnt Sienna code ... there, that's it. You'll be pleased to note that Tecmo has reached a settlement with Hiroaki Ozawa and Tatsuki Tsunoda of Team Ninja, who recently filed a lawsuit against the Dead or Alive publisher in response to an alleged overtime pay dispute.

According to Gamasutra, the pair claimed that employees (like you!) were not paid according to documented overtime hours, going as far as to say that the company created false documents to cover up the salary shenanigans. With this lawsuit wrapped up, it still leaves one to go with departed Team Ninja boss, Tomonobu Itagaki.

Alright, back to work! And go brush your teeth, seriously.

In this week's Allspark-powered show, we say hello to Boston PAX and 360 price cuts, goodbye to Jeff Green and "we'll probably never, ever see you" to the Buffy MMO. Also, somebody's going to win a copy of Castle Crashers, and if you don't listen, you'll never know that it's not you.

Thanks to Danny Lujan of the JPAG for crunchy, reduced sodium photochopping greatness. (As an aside, we're running low on photochops, so join the group and fill the reserves!)

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Joining Hendrix, Ozzy and others, Sting will be walking around the virtual concert halls of Guitar Hero World Tour. According to the press release, you can play as Sting during the vocal career "or play alongside him" in the Police track, "Demolition Man." Additionally, three songs from Tool (who are not bringing their likenesses to the game) have been confirmed: Parabola, Schism, Vicarious.

We now know about 65 tracks of the reported "over 85" tracks. With about seven weeks to go before its October 26 North American launch, when do we get to learn the rest of the tracklist? More importantly, where's our virtual likeness of Lars Ulrich?

Ubisoft sent out a press release this morning confirming that Far Cry 2 will hit European retail shelves on October 24th. The company also announced a collector's edition, which comes in a wooden box. The fine wooden case, sure to be made from only the finest trees (not really), will deliver the game, t-shirt, art book, collector's map and "making-of" DVD.

We're still waiting to hear back officially from Ubisoft if North America should plan on getting the game on October 21st, which is what many retailers are currently showing as the release date. Update: GameSpot confirms the date is the 21st.

Intel is rumored to be heavily courting Microsoft for inclusion of its high-performance GPU Larrabee in the next-generation Xbox, according to The Inquirer. Its source states that Intel is willing to make a lot of major concessions, the logic being that inclusion in the console would compel game makers to develop for the chipset, thus increasing interest in the consumer PC market and making a dent in the GPU market dominated by ATI and Nvidia. It's certainly not a far-fetched scheme; we'd be surprised if Intel didn't at least make a pitch to Microsoft, regardless of the actual terms.

The Xbox 360 currently uses a PowerPC-based CPU from IBM and a GPU designed by ATI. Should this rumor prove true, our first reaction is "cool" and our second is to wonder about backwards compatibility, which became an issue given that the original Xbox's GPU was based on a different, Nvidia-based architecture in comparison to its successor.

[Via Tweaktown; Thanks, Tigerj]

Resistance Retribution was a surprise hit last month at E3, and we had another chance to play it at last week's Penny Arcade Expo. With more playtime, however, come burning questions that need to be answered. Thankfully, Sam Villanueva, Senior Designer at Bend Studio, was at hand to answer our queries and make sure we could sleep soundly again.

Will you be optimizing Resistance Retribution for the PSP Brite?

That's a good question. We'll be evaluating this. We're pretty deep in development right now. We'd like to optimize, but that could potentially mess with launch time. If we can do it without affecting the date our game comes out, we will.

How does the game fit into the series?

Retribution fits nicely between Resistance 1 and Resistance 2. It's a continuation of the European campaign, whereas Resistance 2 is the start of the American campaign. You are James Grayson and you're going in to destroy another Chimeran tower. We wanted the story to deal with some pretty deep, dark stuff. Lots of drama and mystery. The game starts with your brother being infected and you're forced to kill him, for example.

Is there a multiplayer mode?

Absolutely. We've got lots of cool multiplayer stuff which we'll be announcing soon.

Members of the Rock Band forums are reporting issues with this week's PAX DLC for PS3 owners. According to users, the pack just won't work. Apparently, the tracks are available in the game but get stuck on the loading screen.

We've sent requests to Harmonix and Sony to clarify what the problem is and when users can expect a fix. This would be the second time in recent memory that something has gone technically wrong with Rock Band's DLC.

If you love classic games but feel the need to own things in order to bring some sense of stability to your life, GOG.com (that's Good Old Games) could be a good alternative to GameTap for you. The company recently announced that you'll be able to find out for yourself if you sign up for the beta before Sept. 8, at which point the gates will be opened to the masses, or at least the masses that signed up.

We love GOG.com's approach, with $5.99 and $9.99 DRM-free releases that you can download as many times as you want and don't need an internet connection to play, but we wish the selection was a bit better. But who knows? With a beefier roster GOG could be a real Steam contender.

While a similar publicity stunt in LA went off with relatively little drama, it appears the Mercenaries 2 petrol giveaway in London was "irresponsible and dangerous," according to local residents. The BBC reports that traffic was gridlocked as drivers waited to get their £40-worth ($70) of gratis gas. The promotion started at 6:30AM and ran until police apparently shut it down.

Local residents were quite upset about the traffic and honking the stunt caused in their neighborhood. Lynne Featherstone, MP for the district, stated that while a lucky few got free gas, "hundreds of residents have faced misery." She's demanding an apology. We're sure that EA is real sorry about all the free publicity and we're positive those people with tanks full of free gas are even more sympathetic.

[Thanks to all who sent this in.]